Paying Attention: Are dating apps selling us short?
“Attentional blindness from technology is a big issue. There was an amusing study with a unicycling clown in the corner of a square, and people on their phones noticed it significantly less than people that weren’t distracted.” - Dr Martin Graff
It is sometimes said that we now live in the 'attention' economy, where the real product being sold by free or freemium services is us: what we are looking at, watching and engaging with. In politics, it is called ‘the war for attention’, where parties (particularly smaller opposition parties that are not in government) are fighting for the limited attentional bandwidth of the electorate. We call it paying attention as we are giving something of ourselves to our subject. Contrary to popular belief, we are not good multi-taskers, so our attention is necessarily a limited resource. I wanted to look at what our seemingly increasing addiction to screens and online platforms has done to us when engaging in personal relationships.
Dating apps originally augmented the dating experience, but now, if you are single - then there is a perception that you are not taking being single (that terrible affliction) seriously, if you are not ‘on the apps’. You are not in the game. So if you are single, then, well, what did you expect?
To help us explore whether the users are getting less out of dating apps than promised by the marketing, I spoke to Dr Martin Graff from the University of South Wales about his work in social psychology, the psychology of relationships, and online interaction.
“People in good relationships tend to be happier, healthier and live longer - apps have definitely facilitated that.”
Since dating apps arrived in the early part of the last decade, they have had a huge social and cultural impact on how we view each other and our relationships. Apps have transformed how we meet people and clearly have many apparent benefits. At their inception, they were seen by excited users as convenient, cheap (free, initially), and easy to use. But now, we’re seeing signs of discontent from users. At the peak of their adoption and cultural footprint, they seemed like the perfect solution to the challenges of modern metropolitan and transient lifestyles. So, I wanted to ask Dr Graff why he thought so many people were now feeling frustrated or burned out with online dating.
“There is a population effect with dating apps, where if you are in a location where every single person is on them, then you need to join as well, or you will be at a competitive disadvantage.”
Whilst apps at first supplemented the traditional ways of meeting people in real life, in some locations and with some generations, dating apps now seem to have almost wholly replaced traditional avenues. Martin’s work has covered a number of facets of the challenges of modern dating: body image (particularly for women), ghosting, location-based swiping, internet addiction, and online discourse and persuasion. People seemingly act in ways through digital media that they would never behave in real life. Martin called this the ‘Online Disinhibition Effect’, where safe behind their screens, people feel liberated to act in selfish and societally taboo ways. We also discussed the cognitive dissonance, that is often present with users whilst they do this - their revealed behaviour is different to what they say they would do in such a situation.
We spoke about one of the most hurtful and unkind practices online today, the sting of which is barely reduced by its prevalence: ghosting. Ghosting is defined as when you break off contact with a romantic connection and disappear, with no final explanation or closure. The rejection hurts of course, but the lack of clarity and resolution are far more frustrating to the ghosted. The benefits to the ghoster are clear: it is less risky, easier, and less painful. But what about the feelings of the ghostee?
Perhaps we can get ahead of this, and pre-identify the kind of people that might behave this way. Dr Graff has looked at which personality types are most likely to ghost you - those people with ‘Dark Triad’ (Psychopathy, Machiavellianism and Narcissism) personality traits. He found that the acceptability of ghosting short-term partners was related to all Dark Triad traits. A lack of empathy for those they are ghosting, especially if they are seeing a relationship in the first place for the purpose of accessing casual sex, which once attained can lead to disposal via ghosting. According to Martin’s work, those who had previously ghosted people scored higher in Machiavellianism and psychopathy, whilst it was theorised that Narcissistic individuals may be more sensitive to the suffering of others, which would lead to their reluctance in engaging with this behaviour. An emotionally immature person may ghost someone to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or to get out of an uncomfortable situation, which may also be a factor in ghosting situations.
This anti-social behaviour is perhaps inevitable on dating apps as it is facilitated through the private channels of your mobile telephone. A number of other negative behaviours have been observed by app users: ‘Backburnering’, ‘Benching’, ‘Breadcrumbing’, ‘Simmering’ and ‘Orbiting’. These are all variations on a theme of keeping your options open and someone interested. This is a viable strategy on dating apps as there is no perceived downside to keeping options open and acting selfishly, as there is very little consequence or accountability for the lack of communication and other antisocial behaviour. Not all people on dating apps are looking for a long-term (or short-term) relationship, after all. They may just be bored, curious, or looking for validation and an ego boost.
Martin and I also talked about the ‘Five Love Languages’, that often discussed in relationship self-help books and therapy sessions. Dr Graff’s view was that whilst it is good to be empathetic and self-reflective, and it was intuitively sensible to be aware of them and their partner’s compatibility, it had no psychometric basis and viability. There is also the feeling that the love languages tend to blur into each other.
The findings from the ‘Did you see the unicycling clown? Inattentional blindness while walking and talking on a cell phone’ (2010) study may not be surprsising, but add credence to current debates about whether smart phones should be banned from schools in the UK due diverting the attention of students and other pernicious social effects on the student body. The potential for our limited attention to be hijacked from noticing unusual occurrences was made famous by the ‘Invisible Gorilla Test’ (Gorillas in our midst: sustained inattentional blindness for dynamic events, Chabris and Simons 1999), which found that approximately half of the participants failed to notice the gorilla in a basketball video despite its conspicuous presence.
Don’t we all want to reflect the best sides of ourselves, to potential partners? Where is the line between being misleading (personal disinformation, you might say) and presenting a curated profile of you? From someone who works in politics, where you spotlight particular time periods and cherry-pick certain figures regularly, this is perhaps not a question that I want a definitive answer to.
“It’s what we call ‘Impression Management’ - they way that we come across to people, especially people that don’t know you very well, which we can do to a greater extent online, than in real life.”
Dr Graff agreed that we will look to present ourselves in the best possible light, but that this may ultimately prove to be self-defeating when you meet the date in real life and they find out what you are actually like. Perhaps, when AI renders us all unemployed, there will be gameful employment in the field of dating app bio consultants?
Finally, we covered first-date faux pas that should be avoided: don’t talk about your exes, politics, or religion or admit to social media stalking. People should seek compatibility on some of these important issues, but you may be more forgiving if you really like them having spent some time with them. Dr Graff particularly called out ‘Phubbing’ - an amalgamation of ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing’. This disrespectful behaviour will be all too familiar to many people. On a first date, it exhibits a lack of attention on your subject, as if keeping your options open in the moment for something more interesting, and should be avoided if you are looking to build a real connection.
Dr Graff’s future research interests will focus on whether Dark Triad traits (Narcissism, Machiavellianism, Psychopathy) are associated or correlated with people getting into so-called ‘situationships’, rather than them developing in relationships. These are when there is a lack of commitment and definition from one or both parties, so that the relationship appears to be stagnating and not progressing to a more serious, committed form. We will watch out for the findings of this research with interest.