Silver Vixen: How can you find love later in life?

“There’s a perception that love and dating stops at 45.” - Fiona Lambert

There is a peculiar cultural assumption that romance belongs primarily to the young. It’s a young (wo)man’s game. Every new generation thinks they discovered sex, as Larkin quipped. Mainstream dating apps are often marketed with the aesthetic of twenty-somethings living in East London warehouses. Fashion advertising tends to feature young people who look as though they survive exclusively on Soho House green juice and spin classes. RomComs rarely concern divorcees rediscovering intimacy in their sixties, unless Diane Keaton (RIP) is involved as one of the leads.

And yet, statistically speaking, many people now spend a substantial portion of adulthood single again after a marriage or long-term relationship ending. We are therefore going to see more and more people looking for love (again) later in life. Divorce rates in the West have risen over time: according to the ONS, the chance of a marriage ending in divorce in the UK is just less than a coin toss (42%), while the average length of a union is less than 13 years. People are also living longer. Relationships end, careers change, and identities inevitably shift. Increasingly, millions of people find themselves re-entering the dating world later in life, often after decades away from it.

Which sounds, depending on your disposition, either liberating, exciting or utterly terrifying. In this episode of The Great RomCon?, I sat down with author, former fashion executive and ‘Silver Vixen’ Fiona Lambert to discuss what dating looks like after long-term relationships, how technology has transformed romance, and why finding love later in life may require not just meeting someone new, but becoming someone new too. Learn to love yourself, as Justin Bieber sang.

“You should learn how to be single first.”

It is probably not what people expect from a dating conversation. Although some of Gen Z have wondered whether having a boyfriend was cringe or ‘right-coded’, most prevailing culture tends to frame singleness as an inconvenient holding pattern between relationships, an unfortunate affliction to be solved as efficiently as possible through apps, wellbeing and self-improvement.

But Fiona believes many people emerging from long-term relationships underestimate how psychologically disorientating the transition can be.“You need to change your identity,” she tells me, reflecting on life after separation from her husband. Long relationships often become infrastructural. Shared routines, social circles, domestic habits, in-jokes (“I have a bawdy sense of humour!” Fiona tells me), and emotional assumptions shape a person’s sense of self. ‘First we shape our partners, then our partners shape us’ as Churchill nearly once said. When relationships end, people are not simply losing a partner. They are often losing an identity as well. An identity that they then need to rediscover and reform.

And perhaps that partly explains why modern dating can feel so exhausting. Increasingly, people are not just dating others - they are reconstructing themselves simultaneously. Fiona herself approached this new chapter with admirable energy: fitness, travel, boot camps, new experiences. Reinvention rather than retreat. But there is a contradiction. We celebrate longevity, healthier ageing and extended careers, yet often continue speaking about romance as though emotional and sexual life expires in middle age. Fiona rejects this entirely. “Age isn’t a barrier,” she tells me. “Sex is still important in your 60s,” Fiona says with a glint of humour. “Have you still got your mojo?” - is the coded way of asking if they are on the same desire wavelength, I’m told. We simultaneously live in an intensely sexualised society, while often becoming deeply uncomfortable discussing intimacy among older adults.

For many older daters, apps can initially feel like arriving halfway through a board game everyone else already understands: unprecedented access combined with unrivalled confusion. Fiona admits she found them difficult after separation. “The apps allow you to see who is available and single,” she says. “I wish I had read my book before I went on the apps.” Fiona offers practical advice for budding daters: Video calls before meeting. Honesty about age. Avoiding endless ‘pen-pal’ messaging. “It’s a red flag if they don’t want to do a video call,” she notes, something must be amiss. She also advocates reducing the emotional pressure surrounding dating itself.

“Call it a meeting, not a date.”

Modern dating often collapses under the weight of expectation before two people have even gone for a drink. By reframing early encounters more casually, Fiona believes people relax and become more themselves. There is also her pragmatic ‘one-hour rule’: “You can find out if you like someone in an hour.” Not necessarily whether you want to marry them, admittedly. But enough to know whether further investment is worthwhile. Attraction itself, Fiona argues, is more complicated than instant chemistry alone.

“You need chemistry and connection… Instant chemistry isn’t always there.”

This cuts against the logic of swipe culture, where people increasingly expect immediate certainty. A sign, that I should persist with you. Apps encourage snap judgements based on highly compressed information: a few photographs, height statistics and whether someone has always wanted to go to Japan. Fiona believes this culture of instant gratification may be discouraging commitment.

“People want instant gratification and the perception of limitless choice can make people reluctant to commit.”

There is something psychologically destabilising about perceiving infinite romantic possibility at all times. Most men feel this when walking to the bar after three pints, but previous generations generally dated within communities, workplaces, friendship groups and geography. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you're with. Apps transformed dating into something closer to consumer browsing and retail shopping. Which may partly explain why so many people now feel simultaneously overexposed and under-connected.

Fiona notices another shift too. “I think the MeToo culture has made it difficult for men to approach as they don’t want to seem lecherous or inappropriate.” It is an observation that surfaces repeatedly in conversations around modern dating. Many men appear increasingly uncertain about social approaches in physical spaces, unmoored and uncertain about the unwritten social rules, while many women simultaneously express exhaustion with app culture, usually from too much ‘interest’. The result is a peculiar romantic stalemate where everyone appears interested in connection but reluctant to risk awkwardness.

And awkwardness, unfortunately, is where most romance historically began. Most RomComs have at their heart, a misunderstanding between the lovers. Fiona believes people may now be rediscovering more organic social infrastructure through hobby groups and communities. Running clubs, fitness groups and interest-based meetups increasingly function as informal alternatives to dating apps. Which makes sense - shared activity often creates better chemistry than curated profiles ever can, that is what we hope ‘The Great RomCon?’ events provide.

If you manage to get to go on an actual date, you’d better be wearing clothes - so Fiona and I discuss first-date clothing - a topic Fiona, given her fashion background, understandably has opinions about. “Men don’t tend to give a lot of thought to what they wear,” she says diplomatically. To be clear, Fiona is not demanding David Gandy impersonations. “You should feel comfortable and confident,” she says. But effort matters. Good personal presentation signals interest, self-respect and social awareness.

And perhaps this returns us to the central theme running beneath our conversation: intentionality. Finding love later in life appears less about desperately chasing validation and more about clarity. Know thyself. Remaining open to new experiences without becoming jaded. Fiona’s ‘three-question rule’ captures this sentiment: If someone gives three monosyllabic answers in conversation, she moves on.

“I want someone who’s interested and interesting.”

Fittingly, Fiona chooses ‘Something's Gotta Give’ (2003) as her favourite romcoms. It has the classic ‘hate to love’ journey and Jack Nicholson as a loveable rascal (just overlook that he’s dating Dianne Keaton’s daughter at the beginning of the film). The film shows something many dating platforms do not: attraction often develops through time, familiarity, conversation and emotional texture rather than an instant lightening bolt.

Talking to Fiona left me thinking that perhaps modern dating culture has become too obsessed with efficiency. Too focused on filtering, maximising our dating productivity and discarding potential suitors. Real connection, however, is still stubbornly analogue. It requires time and a willingness to risk disappointment.

As Fiona puts it in her book, SAS: “She who dares wins.” Perhaps we all need to take a leaf out of her book and be a bit more daring.